Alphabet Game
by Franky G Fan
Summary: Saw II's main cast decides to play the Alphabet Game on a road trip, which goes about as well as you'd expect it to. Crude language and references galore. Somewhat Xavier-bashing. One-shot.


**In the middle of a long road trip, Saw II's main stars decide to play the Alphabet Game, which goes about as well as you'd expect it to. **

**Oh, yes, Gus is dead in this one. I just didn't feel like including him.**

**Crude language warning.**

**I don't own Saw, Family Guy, Heinz Ketchup, Vans, or the stereotype for gangsters used in this story.**

"I'm boooorrreeeeeeeedddd…"

"Get the fuck outta the car and walk then!"

Xavier rolled his eyes towards the ceiling and then back to the two quarreling. "I swear to God, if you guys don't stop, I'm going to fucking kill myself."

Addison shot him a poison-filled glare. "Do us a favor and do it then," She replied dryly.

Jonas laughed and Xavier whipped his head around to shoot him a violent stare. His laughter subsided. Obi looked annoyed and he merely peered out of his window, arms resting on his knees.

"I don't know why I got stuck up here with you guys in the first place," Xavier grumbled, leaning against his door, propping his head up with a hand. He was crammed in the middle seat of the extremely small, shitty van John called a 'car' with Addison, Daniel, and Laura. Amanda, of course, had gotten to sit in the front passenger seat.

Said girl peered over the headrest, leering at Xavier. "Cause you lost rock-paper-scissors, duh."

"I did not!" Xavier protested. "Guns DO exist in rock-paper-scissors!" From there, another argument began, and Daniel was already beginning to bash his head against the window, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like 'kill me now'.

"Why don't we play a game?" John croaked from the front seat.

Immediately silence fell and everyone straightened, staring at the old, sick man with widened eyes.

John detected the looks in their faces and offered a smile. "Not that kind of game. A game I played when I was a child-"

Addison crossed her arms and grumbled, "Yeah, back in the 1940s." Xavier couldn't resist a snort but Amanda popped up again and glared at them both.

John ignored Addison and continued. "It's called the Alphabet Game."

Daniel found himself retorting, "What are we, little kids?"

John ignored him too and began explaining the rules. "It's simple. You find something that begins with that letter, such as A could be for apple or something of the sort."

"Or asshole," Xavier chimed in.

John shot him a look but returned his eyes to the road.

The group exchanged awkward looks but decided to comply to John's request, just in case he wanted to play a different kind of game later on if they didn't do what he wanted to do.

"Uh, alright…" Laura put in nervously, looking around for any sign of an a.

"Ass!" Jonas suddenly cried, pointing out the window. Everyone followed his finger and noticed the sign outside they'd just passed by that had a picture of a white donkey and an X underneath it imprinted on it.

"Good job," John complimented, and Jonas looked faintly pleased. Amanda was seething with something resembling jealousy.

"B…B….B…."

"Bathroom," Daniel commented in a low tone, pointing out the rest area coming up. John shot him a pleased look.

"You're learning."

Amanda slid further down into her seat, face turning red, grumbling angrily under her breath.

"C is for cun-" Xavier was about to say, pointing a meaty finger at Addison, but she quickly shot him up by slapping him in the face. He glared at her. "What the fuck was that for?" He protested, though he knew the answer to his own question, rubbing the suddenly red mark on his cheek.

Addison huffed but the argument didn't get to continue until Obi suddenly muttered, in that quiet but raspy voice of his, "Cat." He was pointing out the window; they only caught a slight blur of tortoiseshell but all just merely assumed it had been a cat.

"D." John spoke.

"D is for dick. Or maybe douchebag or dumbass." Now Addison was pointing at Xavier.

"Daniel," Laura suddenly whispered, causing all eyes to fly to her. She was pointing at the startled teenager. "Daniel starts with a D."

"True, true," John mused, quite content that he'd gotten them to stop bickering (well, somewhat) and play his childhood game.

"E…" Amanda was the one to spot an e. They'd just driven by a zoo, oddly enough, and (surely coincidentally) they'd driven by the elephant exhibit. "Elephant!" She cried, tapping her finger against the glass, pointing at the wrinkled, enormous gray creature.

"Or exhibit," Laura pointed out with a light shrug.

John was smiling now.

"F is for fridge." Everyone turned to stare blankly at Xavier. He blinked and pointed outside his window, where a pile of junk had been discarded and (indeed) a rusty fridge was among the pile of junk.

"G is for gangster," Xavier provided this one again, jerking a thumb at his chest.

Addison burst out laughing at the thought of Xavier slunking about the streets with pants that didn't even cover his ass and a hat turned backwards, a gun in his pocket. "No. Just….no."

"And why not?" Xavier was looking pissed again; he swelled up like a toad of some sort.

Addison was about to open her lips to explain when suddenly Laura beckoned at a looming billboard in the distance. "G is for Grammy." And, indeed, the billboard was displaying a picture of a shiny golden trophy of some sort.

"I thought those passed." Daniel scratched his head of curly hair.

In response, Amanda shrugged. "I don't keep tabs on those kind of things."

"And yet you've memorized the schedule for the Teenage Awards or whatever the fuck it's called?" Xavier retorted, earning him another slap to the face from Addison.

"Let's just keep going." John interrupted.

"Fine." An impatient huff.

"H is for helium." Daniel glanced out his window to see a waving clown with tufts of light-red almost orange hair waving and holding up a bunch of balloons.

They drove by, and Daniel quickly whipped around once realizing he'd seen a CLOWN standing in the middle of nowhere. "What the fu-?" It was gone.

"You guys," Daniel spoke up nervously. "I think I just saw Pennywise…" The name had spilled out without even his knowing it.

"Wrong horror movie, dumbass," Addison leaned over to give him a slap to the face, in which Xavier shot Daniel a semi-sympathetic glance.

"I is for ignorant." Obi had provided this one, surprisingly enough, and he was staring straight at Jonas.

The black man looked offended. "I'm not the ignorant one," He muttered, crossing his arms, pouting.

"That wouldn't work. It's got to be something else." John reprimanded.

"I is for intelligence," Addison tapped her own forehead with a sly smile.

"Oh, shut up, you don't know shit," Xavier snorted leeringly.

Addison shot him a glare and raised her hand threateningly. Xavier didn't flinch.

Amanda perked up. "Hey, Xavier just implied that Addison was dumb."

John cast her a curious look out of the corner of his eye.

"Implied. Would that work?" Daniel echoed.

John shrugged, but decidedly nodded, not wanting to stretch the game out any longer than it should have been with his growing headache.

"J, right?"

"Naw, it's Z."

"Really?"

"Did you go to school?"

"…Not really."

"Then that's your answer."

The exchange between Addison and Daniel made most people in the car smile.

"Jeans!" Laura suddenly cried, pointing at her own dark denim pair she was wearing.

John smiled and nodded gleefully at Laura. She seemed to be the only one he could really tolerate at the moment. Maybe Obi too, since the man really hadn't spoken since the road trip began.

"K.." Addison pondered, searching about, peering out of the windows.

"Ketchup," Daniel suddenly declared, pulling out a bottle of the stuff from his lunch pack.

The rest of the group stared at him oddly. "Do I even want to ask WHY the hell you have a bottle of ketchup in your-"

Xavier was interrupted by Daniel's shaking of his head, and he lapsed into an awkward silence, as did everyone else.

Until Jonas cleared his throat. "L is for ladies." He pointed in turn at Laura, Addison, and Amanda.

"M is for your mom," Xavier suddenly cackled.

"No, that starts with a y. And besides, my mom is dead." Laura shot Xavier somewhat of a glare, and the man quickly looked out the window, pretending he hadn't said a thing and keeping his lips tightly closed.

"Moccasins." Addison lifted up her foot, showing the dark brown shoe. Though it was more of a slipper, nobody complained.

"N.." Xavier's eyes suddenly lit up. "It's gonna be offensive, but I got one." He snapped his fingers and pointed at Jonas. "N is for nigger."

Everyone stiffened and eyes flickered to Jonas, waiting for his reaction.

The man pursed his lips. "It's fine." His eyes were narrowed, however. "I'm used to it."

The gang let out a collective sigh of relief, save for John and Obi, relieved now that the awkward moment of racism had passed.

"Oak," Daniel suddenly broke in, jabbing a finger at one of the trees lining the road they were driving on.

"Or orgasm." Xavier shrugged his broad shoulders at everyone's inquiring looks.

"Wait, but if that was so, we couldn't see it at the moment." Jonas pointed out, and then his look morphed from curiosity to morbid disgust. "Did you—"

"NO." Xavier shook his head. "I was just comin' up with ideas." He crossed his arms defensively.

The gang still maintained exchanging suspicious looks.

"Move on already. P."

"Pedophile," Daniel laughed, pointing at Xavier, whose face flushed furiously.

"Shut the fuck up, kid." He snarled despite the fact everyone was laughing. John had even donned a smile.

"Paramedic," Laura suddenly spoke in a whispery voice, jerking her head up at the people clambering out of the vehicle in the parking lot besides them, wielding a gurney and a limp, hidden body on it.

For a few seconds, it was soberly quiet in the car. Then they drove by the scene and resumed the game.

"Q is for quagmire," Addison nearly yelled, having been hunched up in her seat, peering out the window shield and having spotted the moist, boggy, muddy area.

"What does that even mean?" Daniel stared at Addison in something like awe.

"I know it's not the pedo from Family Guy."

Addison sighed and relayed the definition in a bored, monotonous voice, "An area of boggy land."

"Ah."

"Moving on." John waved a hand.

"Rash," Jonas spoke up, rolling up his shirt sleeve to scratch at the scabby area he'd just spoken of.

"S is for shoe," Daniel idly pointed at the pair of black Vans he was wearing.

"You need to get some new shoes." Xavier shook his head in distaste. "Vans suck."

"That's probably because no size fits you," Addison retorted.

"You know what they say about guys with big feet." Xavier wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Daniel blinked. "What, do they wear big socks or something?"

Everyone stared blankly at him. "Are you kidding me? You don't even know?" Xavier burst out laughing. "Ah, that's rich. People say that when a guy has big feet, his-"

Laura cut him off rather abruptly, "T is for taut." She yanked at her seatbelt.

Xavier plowed on. "di-"

He didn't get out anymore before Addison slapped him again and she blurted out, "U is for ugly." Her finger was floating directly in Xavier's face and he scowled at her, obviously insulted.

"Hey!"

"No, that starts with an h," Laura murmured, bemused.

"V is for vagina." Xavier said carelessly with a shrug of his shoulders.

Silence fell.

"Um, okay, let's just ignore that and move on."

Amanda twisted in her seat and placed her chin on the headrest. "W is for weirdo." She was grinning slyly at Xavier.

"Why the hell am I the only one getting insulted?" The man roared angrily.

"Because you're the only one gullible enough to get insulted by them," Amanda replied with a condescending smirk forming on her lips.

Xavier huffed and sank back against his seat.

"X…" John whistled. "That's gonna be a hard one."

"Not really." Jonas pointed at Xavier. "Does he count? Xavier?"

Xavier pursed his lips, almost womanly.

John shrugged. "I'd guess so."

"Y should be easy. You." Daniel nudged Laura in mentioning. She smiled faintly at him.

"Now Z's gonna be the freaking hard—" Xavier didn't get to finish.

"Zoo!" Addison stretched over and tapped her finger against the glass of the window. What were the odds? Another zoo they had just passed by was looming in the distance.

"See, wasn't that more entertaining than arguing?" John persisted.

Dead silence.

"I'm not so sure about that." Addison cracked a dry smile.


End file.
